A Sunflower In Paradise

Idk how well versed this will be as I’ve been writing up until almost this very minute.

I had no idea that they where transforming this place to the sanctuary but I need everyone to do me a favor.

I need you to look at your neighbor & say “neighbor,” we are on limited time.

Say “neighbor,” we don’t have infinite tries…

Now give your neighbor a hug & say Gods got us.

I’m tired & very much so as the family & I have been overwhelmed from having to deal with death. It’s been a lot of “home goings,” whole eras departing. If it this takes me a little while I apologize but this is our last opportunity to have a moment with her.

I truly hate to time & time again come before ya’ll to speak on such occasions but it’s not about me. Now I’m not a preacher just a born leader trying to fulfill my purpose. As much discomfort as it brings I feel the obliged responsiblity to be of service. I am gifted some would say when it comes to articulating words but there are no words that can do her justice. I’ve said it before you cannot sum up a life with mere words. They’re just not enough.

It’s odd coming here minus her presence. Her place was always an open door to call home. She left a huge void where she used to be. She was dearly missed well before dearly departed.

Fun & fight. We remember much of the fun but we cannot forget about the fight.

She lived despite her condition, some would call it foolish but I see faith because she was not willing to accept the fate she was told she had. It meant defeat & she refused to submit to that. She was gonna conduct her life on her terms & make her own path just as she did. There is much courage in that.

Doubt, fear & guilt are among our greatest adversaries. They make you uncertain in your faith, afraid to act & consumed by our consciousness. She did not allow herself to become petrified by any of these.

I had a conversation with her this week, several & as much as she appreciates the real tears & the big crocodile ones she isn’t comfortable with that kind of attention. She never really was. She reminded me of the last time I was here & everyone was blowing up here phone to find her so Uncle Mickey could see her. She was just trying to have some peace & enjoy a beer.

She epiditomized the very essence of a free spirit so this transition shouldn’t be that foreign to us because she was always an independent soul on the go. The only thing strange is learning how to live without the loved ones you’ve known & always somehow expect to be here.

Too many memories come to mind thinking about her as she was actively involved in our lives growing up here. The most intimate ones I have to keep to myself to be capable of continuing to speak.

She used ask me how many kids I have & I’d say none Auntie & she would say “You the smart one!”

Thinking back when we were kids I can tell you the worst punishment I ever got from her was bead buster. Ya’ll ever had one? It’s where if you where acting up she grab about a pinch full of your hair by the root, vice grip it & then twist it. Come to think of it I’m not sure she got me with the bead buster I believe it might have been Brandon or Milton but you know it had to hurt for their brother or cousin to feel it. I was just lookin’.

I dreamed about her not that many weeks ago. We were in a house. I’m not sure if it was April’s, Lana’s or where. I just know that family was gathered around. My mom was there, I want to say my brother & a few others but I don’t recall everyone but the usual familiar faces. I just remember being next to give Aunt Doris a hug in this place sort of out of nowhere.

As I embraced her in this dream my heart sank being able to feel how small she seemed & thinking she had lost a lot of weight. As soon as the concern came to mind I forget exactly what she did or said that reassured me but it was as something we agreed on in conversation that let me know she was fine with where she was at. My worry faded & my heavy heart lightened as the atmosphere in the room was warm, bright & vibrant. She was overflowing with happiness & a confidence which overwhelmed the place.

I woke up but it had felt so real. I didn’t know that it had significant meaning although I suspected it was her way of communicating with me. I only mentioned that I’d had a weird dream to my parents & one of my brothers. Later I further gave them the details about it, perhaps not to feel like I was just trippin. I found myself talking to God about it a lot & simply giving thanks for everything I had.

Sometimes until you lose a person you don’t know how much you love them but we also sometimes never recognize how much they love us too.

How do you prepare for an unwanted painful day that we know must endure? We love & we love relentlessly, we give & we give unselfishly, we pray & we pray unceasingly.

Aunt Adrienne & Uncle George are owed a great deal of gratitude for their compassion, dedication & diligence through it all. So I want to take a moment to lift them up & give them their flowers while they are here.

To our bros Brandon & particularly Jordan. Without a question I’m certain that this has been tough for you as we have all lost someone special to us & it shouldn’t take tragedy for anyone to recognize you but I want you to know that we are proud the young man you are & we are here for you.

It is natural that we mourn but it is selfish of us to remain broken. She is in a better place & beside that she wouldn’t want us to. If you want to honor her life, do so by living your lives to the fullest & have a beer.

I love ya’ll family & take care of yourself & each other.

We are all we got.